Remember books? They’re like Instagram captions, but longer. Plus, some of these aren’t books at all.

By: JLong | February 6, 2020

Dog is man’s best friend. What is an Oreo without milk?  Daenerys Targaryen without her dragons? Tacos and, well, everything. Seth Rogen and James Franco. Pillow and a head. Reading is a bed’s best companion.

The following suggestions are surefire to do one of the following: induce a snooze, ignite the night, stream your dream and, of course, dive deeper into The Bed Post.

Animals on the Farm by Scholastic Books

Why am I counting imaginative sheep? Am I supposed to be visualizing livestock grazing in my bedroom? Eating my shag carpeting? That small studio apartment is only going to fit at most twelve sheep—and they’d be so cramped. They’d be pretty uncomfortable, complaining and be in an overall baaaad mood. No thank you. I’ll take out a copy of Scholastic’s farm animals and count the sheep on the page. A little reading and I’ll be asleep in no time. If you read like a baby, you’ll sleep like one too.

Wedding Vows

That isn’t a dying whale. No, it’s not Everyone convulsing on your neighbor’s loudspeaker. Nor a satanic Adam Sandler sent from hell. That’s your partner, your one and only, the love of your life, snoring next to you. As they snore louder and louder, and you digest all the choices you have made that brought you to this exact moment, read your vows. Remind yourself about all the reasons that dilapidated foghorn—the physical embodiment of a whoopee cushion beside you—loves you very much. Or scrap that and read this about how to get him or her to shut it off.

The World by Lonely Planet

If you are what you eat, then you dream what you read. Do you ever notice that if your mind is acutely focused on a certain task, place or person before bed, your subconscious tailors your dream around it? If you’re pinned to a cubicle all day with wanderlust—and already wasted all your vacation days on Susan’s wedding—then let your dreams be your portal to foreign lands. Read this book before falling asleep and you’ll travel the world each night.

Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

  • In a great room, there was a telephone and a red balloon.
  • And a picture of the cow jumping over the moon.
  • And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush
  • And a quiet old lady who was whispering “hush”
  • Goodnight room.
  • Goodnight moon.

Min Kamp by Karl Ove Knausgård

Jeffrey Eugenides claims it, “broke the sound barrier of autobiographical novel.” Others call Knausgård the Master Of The Literary Selfie. If all the world’s a stage, then Knausgård’s book is its soliloquy. His stream-of-consciousness book forces the reader to crawl into his diary and indulge in the mundane moments of life. He’ll tell you about doing his laundry, eating brunch and his complicated relationship with his father—sometimes all in the same sentence. It can be your comfort food for dozing off or a fast-acting, homeopathic cure for insomnia. Or it eerily reminds you of yourself, and as you flip through pages deep into the night, you begin to wonder whether your sister has been sharing your diary with a certain Norwegian author.

Fifty Shades of Gray by E.B. White

Shhhh. It’s okay. This is your room. No one’s judging.

Norweigan Wood by Haruki Murakami

Slip into the fanatical dream of Japan’s literary sculptor. Murakami builds a world on the page with lust and magic and lets you peel the words of the page and into your soul. We start in 1970s Tokyo. After the tragic loss of a mutual friend, Toru and Naoko feel stuck in time. This is a full-body book. You’ll read with your eyes, feel it with your gut and store it in your heart. This may be a hard read, and it’s certainly a strange one, but it will be yours. It is my gift to you. No, really. Buy a mattress and I’ll send you a copy.

Label on the Melatonin Bottle

Let’s play a game. Before you read the label, take a melatonin. Place the bottle on your bedside table and turn it towards you. Lay down in your new Landsdowne PillowTop. Sink into it. Aaaaaah. Tuck yourself in properly. Not a toe nor a shoulder hair left unattended. I know this may be sacrilege for you stomach and back sleepers, but turn onto your side.  Now, god willing, you’ve stayed awake this long. Try to read the label without dozing off.

Goodnight dreamer. And if you’re still awake, keep reading.