My mother warned me to never meet someone on the Internet.

By: JLong | February 6, 2020

Dear Casper Mattress,

There’s no easy way to do this, but I must be forthright with my emotions and true to my heart. I have thought a lot about this, so please hear me out. I am breaking up with you.

I always thought this trial period was meant to help us stay together and strengthen our love. Now I know it was always there to free us from a relationship that was doomed to fail.

Most couples have that cutesy story about how they met. She heard him on a love talk radio show. Or he sent her romantic e-mails only to find out that she owns his corner bookshop. Or maybe I watch too much Nora Ephron. But boy, do I remember when I first saw you. The glittery purple ad on the New York subway. The oozing self-confidence. The way you saw yourself in ten years. Oh, and that foam body. I thought you were my forever.  

Don’t get me wrong, we had good times. When you unfurled out of that box for me. That first night we slept together. Breakfast in bed. I used to dive into your arms after a long day. You were my Queen. But the honeymoon phase is over, and it’s time we get real with each other.

You must have felt this coming. I’ve been so distant lately—sleeping on the couch, napping at work, waking up early on weekends! But don’t pretend you didn’t push me here. You haven’t kept in shape at all like when we first met. Look, I am a little round around the middle too, but the overt sagging and sinking. It’s like you don’t even care anymore. You used to be hot; now, the only heat I feel is when I’m schvitzing while asleep. You run so hot and cold. If you’re not stable, how can this relationship be?

I gave you everything you asked for. The luxurious mattress protector, the nightly febreezing to keep you smelling young, and I even told Mr. Cat King Cole to lick himself elsewhere. I was always faithful—never sleeping around. I even tried to spice things up with those Arabic throw pillows. It didn’t make a damn difference.

My mother warned me to never meet someone over the Internet. They’re not who they say they are. You need a human connection first. But I thought, follow your heart, it’s 2018 and your mother still watches Dateline anyways. But, like always, mothers know best.

Now, this is where it gets hard. I’ve found someone new. Stay calm. It happened by chance. I was driving home from work and saw some beds hanging out in this Ortho store. It was like some non-committal speed dating to find out what I was looking for. But I met someone. I guess that’s how it happens: when you least expect it. It was my Ephron moment. It wasn’t an advertisement. It was a real moment, together.

It’s been 80 days. I have 100 to return you. I left the packaging and the shipping label on the living room desk. It’s probably better we don’t see each other again. I’ll be on a work trip in Tulsa for the weekend, it’s best that you be gone by the time I return.